The Definition of Betrayal in Relationships

What is Betrayal, really?

Many times when we think of betrayal in relationships we think of a grave offense, like cheating. Although, betrayal is simply any action that dishonors an agreement or commitment and shatters trust. Consider that if your partner says they feel betrayed by something you consider “small”. When an offense seems small, we may easily invalidate our partners feelings by saying “it’s not that serious”. Your partner’s feelings of betrayal may even seem laughable if you only associate betrayal with actions that popular opinion suggests are a huge deal. For instance if your partner felt betrayed by you telling a friend about what happened at his family cookout, you may think “It’s not that serious to use the word betrayal”. Nonetheless, if at any point you and your partner agreed that neither of you would share family business and you went against it, that shatters trust. Especially if you discussed the impact it’d have on your partner if the agreement was broken. 

How do I to make things right?

Whatever you do, don’t dismiss your partner’s feelings. Take accountability. Thinking of betrayal in the manner above may make it less likely for you to dismiss your partner as being sensitive and more likely that you take accountability for your actions. Taking accountability and apologizing is needed to help begin the healing process. Beware of the trap of getting defensive when your partner explains how your actions impacted them. For clarity, defensiveness is that immediate tendency to explain the logic behind an action because you didn’t mean any harm. Defensiveness can also show up as irritation with your partner for the way they’re viewing the situation. Defensiveness and dismissiveness only compound hurt and drive a deeper wedge between you and your partner. No one wants that. Tip: After taking accountability, update the terms of the initial agreement if your needs have changed or recent realizations won’t allow you to make the same commitment.

What to do, if betrayed? 

First ask yourself if your expectations were communicated and agreed upon in the past. If you didn’t communicate your needs, reconsider that you were hurt instead of betrayed. It may be more effective for your relationship to  acknowledge your hurt, communicate your needs moving forward, and potentially avoid similar occurrences. Gentle reminder that your partner may not think the same as you. Nor get upset by the same things you would. Thus expectations/needs should be discussed to avoid future hurt from assumptions like “my partner knows better than to…”. If your partner actually broke an agreement and shattered trust, don’t make any rash decisions to leave or stay, if it's not a deal breaker. It’s possible for you and your partner to heal and grow closer after hurt and betrayal, when handled correctly. 

Want more Assistance?

Whether you choose to work on your healing journey solo or with your partner, I can help. I’m a therapist skilled in guiding individuals and couples through the process of forgiveness and new relationship beginnings. If you’re feeling stuck, don’t hesitate to reach out for guidance – I want to see you thrive! Schedule a consultation today.